#70. The Keg Stand (Friday, July 27, 2018)

What was your best day…of showing them all how it’s done?

Out of all the words in the English language, the word “cool” is way up there in terms of having one of the most interesting, nuanced interpretations. It’s the type of word that takes on a very distinct meaning among school-age children, only to dilute over time – into some generic positive descriptor of a person – as we all grow into adulthood.

But even as adults, we can all recognize right away what would have been “cool” or “not cool” by the standards of our ten-year-old selves¹. And by that standard, at no point in my life, would I have ever been mistaken to be “cool”.

That Friday was the night where I probably came the closest.

That summer, some of the guys at work – mostly research assistants (RAs) a few years younger than me – got together to organize a team for a 7 on 7 flag football league. For that, Mark Richard (financial stability RA, and a former linebacker at Waterloo) recruited his friend Jake Cullen (a second-string QB), and in April quickly we formed a team of twelve.

This past week, we had just wrapped up the regular season – as the 2^nd seed out of 6 – and would be starting the playoffs next week. So to celebrate, Joe Ferreira (the fastest guy on the team) got a keg and arranged a big party with all of us Friday night.

Now, my main social group at work was the other policy economists in my department and some of the researchers (#115, #112), so the flag football crew of younger RAs was a crowd I wouldn’t naturally gravitate to – even though I probably had more in common with them. So the entire experience: drinking together, shitting on each other, and doing keg stands, just felt awesome – in the sense that these were all activities outside of my usual age group.

As for the keg stands², that’s what made the whole night. Each of us there did at least three rounds total. My first one I managed 13 seconds, next one 16, and that was the record; until Nick Malhotra (our rusher) broke it with 18; then I came back, pushed hard, and got 24. Chris Niehaus, this new RA that joined a month ago, technically broke it with 25 – but that one was debatable since the pressure of the machine had visibly slowed down by that point.

Even my good buddy Jawad – an extremely polite, quiet economist and my co-author for my first paper on bond liquidity proxies – did one. He put the tube in his mouth, Nate Connors (our kicker) started pumping, we chanted “One keg stand, two keg stand, three keg stand, four keg stand, five keg stand, six keg stand -“, and then he pulled the tube out in surrender. (I ragged on him for this for months after.)

Following that, we all went to the balcony bar at the nearby Fox and Feather; where I had to get Jawad’s rum and coke for him because he was apparently “banned” from this place (for being too drunk the last time here and getting into an argument with the bartender³); Malcolm (our tackle) gave me some top-secret poker tips⁴; and a couple of guys like Nate⁵ conked out early.

And after that all ended at two hours past midnight, Jawad, Chris, and I went to McDonald’s and enjoyed our McChickens there very, very much.

I couldn’t find an adequate definition online, so here’s my best attempt: “socially at ease and effortlessly capable in physical challenges”.
In lieu of a detailed, boring description, here’s a video.
A completely out-of-character incident that I, unfortunately, was not able to bear witness.
In exchange for which, I said I’d review his GRE practice essays.
Who had accidentally stuck his hand on a burning lightbulb the other time I was out with him.